House work can be hazardous to your health!

I'm not the most tidy person, I don't always pick up after myself and I don't always clean the house on a.. weekly basis. However when I do clean up around the house, it ends up turning into much more of a chore then I originally expected, plus I risk my life every time I do it. I'm sure you are all wondering how? How can this be more of chore AND life threatening?

(silence)

(silence)

some one really faintly, "How, why?"

Well I'm glad you asked!!!

My problem? My clone! Yes folks I have a clone. In fact I am a clone myself. And before you go thinking this is some kind of SciFi/fiction post. I'm not kidding. Just ask my mother and wife. I have the same mentality, personality and sense of humor as my father. And my youngest boy (going to be 2) is just like me. The adage "The apple doesn't fall far from the tree" describes My father, son and I. (apparently my Dad is just like my Grandfather. However he passed away before I was born).

My clone has to do everything I'm doing. If cooking in the kitchen, he must be in the kitchen to "help"(By trying to pull plates and dishes off the counter so they break into hundreds of sharp shards of glass or ceramic [Injury Alert 1]). If I'm cleaning up the living room, he must "help". (Usually by putting his toys right back to where I picked them up from or under my feet [Injury alert 2]). When I empty the dish washer, he has to "help" by getting the dishes out and putting them away. This is kind of nice as then I don't have to bend over to put the pots and pans in the low cabinets. However when it is something that goes someplace out of his reach, he'll hand it to me. Occasionally I have to pick him up to put it away.

It is the dishwasher that really puts my life in danger, or at least my recreation habits. On at least a dozen different occasions, he handed me a dish that needed to be put away up high. [Injury alert 3] When I turn back around, there is my clone, grinning and wielding a kitchen knife (Be it a butcher, steak or carving) like a Chucky Doll. He laughs this evil sounding little laugh and says, "Daddy, I wanna play with you" Well, okay he doesn't do that, BUT IT WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME! And now that I put words to it, my clone does have the stark blonde hair, blue eyes and cherubic cheeks of Gage.

I have to quickly and carefully disarm my clone of his weapon, which usually makes him unhappy (Which means screaming). If I didn't, he is at just the right height that if he did stab me with it, I'd either end up with a home vasectomy or he'd sever my femoral artery causing me to bleed to death (At which point he'd probably use my blood to draw symbols on the floor with).

This leaves me with four options:

1) I can try to keep him out of the kitchen while loading and unloading the dishwasher. (He scales the gates or just plains knocks them out of his way)

2) I can try to make sure that we never put objects sharper then a spoon in the dishwasher. (Screw you if you think I'm hand washing ANYTHING)

3) I can learn to juggle the contents of the utensil carrier. (Yea, and then I can quit my job and join the circus)

4) Just make sure I keep on my toes when ever he is in the kitchen with me... or I could make my wife do the dishes... hmmm... That might work!

....>WHAP!<... rubbing knot on back of the head from where wife hit me with a giant wooden spoon

Okay, I guess I just have to keep on my toes. It's okay, he just wants to ensure his inheritance by making sure I don't recreate procreate anymore.