Tuesday, May 10, 2005

My deposition of the Blogmeet.

I know I have been remiss in posting this, however it took me 2 days of therapy (IE my wife telling me to get off my lazy arse) to get up the nerve to describe the trauma inflicted upon me last Saturday. This is my story of how it went.

I finally decided that I was going to go to the Blogmeet on Friday evening. I entertained the idea of wearing my signature Kilt and Packer Jersey but then I thought about it. I’m going to a bar in rural farm country Northern Illinois. I was afraid the locals would mistake the kilt for a skirt and start thinking I was the prettiest girl TIG ever dated or some Bear fan would get in my face. The decision to wear jeans and a strip club t-shirt overwhelmed me at the thought of TIG trying to hit on me.

I’ll admit I was nervous on Saturday as I jumped into Janine and headed out. I stopped to pick up LittleJoe and then we were on our way. Our trip down was uneventful, except for a wrong turn I made. We found the town and the bar easily. LittleJoe and I head into the bar. I can’t remember if he lead the way or I did, but as soon as I walked in I started looking for someone I knew or someone I recognized from photos or descriptions. The handful of locals at the bar turned to look at us. I didn’t recognize any of them, so I kept walking on.

Then from this table up jumps a man with the most meticulously trimmed beard. I swear to all that is right in the world that at first I thought he was going to try to hit me, then his eyes twitched to the wookie LittleJoe standing with me. A smile crossed his face and he welcomed the both of us instead. This of course was Harvey. Never having met him before I wasn’t a hundred percent sure who it was, but it fit the description he gave of himself. Also there was Harvey’s bodyguard wife TNT, TIG (Whom I had met once before), and Tammi. Teresa showed up a little while after we had gotten there, apparently there was some problems with driving directions. I felt better about my own wrong turn.

Well, my being anti-social, un-personable, distrusting and shy I just kind of sat back and let everyone else carry on the conversation while I tried to bolster my courage with my old friend Jack Daniels. What I found really amusing was how everyone sat at the table. From my left in a clockwise fashion people sat from the least intimidating to the most intimidating. Therefore, I think I’m going to go around the table in a clockwise fashion from my left.

LittleJoe has been a good friend of mine for years, which is the only reason I don’t find him intimidating at all. He’s a good guy and I really can’t write anything that does him justice. However, he kept shaking his damn leg, which would vibrate the table and my chair driving me insane. At one point, I entertained the thought of nailing his feet to the ground.

TIG has to be the most talkative guy I have ever met. This man did not shut up except when he was busy doing shots of beer. That’s right, he did shots of beer. They were 12-ounce shots, but he kept drinking one right after another. He’d just tip his head back and pour his beer right down his throat. I had met him before so that reduced his intimidating factor, and the fact that after all the beer shots I’m sure he had a case of slosh belly. He’s a nice guy; it’s too bad that his reputation in the bar was sullied.

Next was living legend Tammi. Between her pointing out that, she was tall (and could beat me up) and kept shushing me every time I tried to say something, even if it was just acknowledging her, she was intimidating. At one point early in the night her and LittleJoe ended up nose to Adam’s apple (She’s tall, but he’s much taller). I don’t know what started that, but they both sat down. I made a nice and gentle comment and Tammi tried to break my knee under the table. Fortunately, for me the table leg was in the way.

Teresa was quiet, or at least she didn’t acknowledge my existence. I got the distinct impression that I was not worthy of someone her station. Which is probably true since I’m the unwanted stump in Clan Bad Example. She was ever so nice and polite to everyone else, but she would glance right past me. I think she took pity on me a dozen times during the night and acknowledged me. I had never been so honored before in my life by just some kind words and a polite smile. Unfortunately, she had to leave early before I had a chance to open up and actually try to have a conversation with her.

We come to TNT. She sat in the corner eyeing everyone. I could tell by the way she was acting she was trying to decide whom she was going to kill first; TIG, LittleJoe or myself. She kept flexing her buff arms trying to scare us with her brute strength. I know that at one point I was sure she was going to rip my own arm off and beat me with it. She smiled maybe once or twice the whole night. Mainly she and Teresa kept to themselves. I thank Teresa for distracting her from trying to kill me. I know that she wasn’t too pleased with my portrayal of her in their anniversary post and was looking for vengeance.

Finally, we come to Harvey. The man, the myth, the blog-father. I had heard stories about ring kissing and such, but none of this happened. He spent most of the night talking about how great he was and that I’m a fool for not going over to IMAO to read what he posts there. He later confessed that it was probably a good idea that I didn’t head over there since I’m too much of a troglodyte to comprehend the writing. Every time I tried to defend myself, he’d throw out a very graphic threat. One time he said to me, “If you don’t shut your insignificant mouth, I’m going to pull a rib out of your chest and stab you through the ear with it.” He did however hand out many really good cigars. It wasn’t until later that I discovered that he was not handing them out, he was trying to light me on fire with them, I just smoked them before he had a chance to.

I spent the night in fear. Between Tammi the bully, Teresa the goddess, TNT the serial killer and Harvey the internet Blog-father, it’s no wonder TIG and LittleJoe sat so they could escape easy enough by using me as a sacrifice to them. I just sat in my seat, in quiet terror, listening and sipping on my Jack Daniels. They all left before LittleJoe and I did. I needed a moment to gather my nerves before climbing back into Janine and starting my drive home.

UPDATE: I might have a detail or fifty off on what happened. Word on the net has it I wasn’t sipping the Jack Daniels as I thought I had been. Allegedly I emptied the bar of all it’s Jack Daniels stock. I needed the courage. That and I think TNT, Tammi and Teresa slipped me a sedative so I wouldn’t remember they volunteered to be Mortar Maidens. Fortunately, I wrote myself a note so I would remember.

Don't miss these other reviews from TIG and Teresa. There may be a touch more reality in Teresa's then TIG's and mine