Friday, May 27, 2005

Tales from the workplace.

I’m in a mood today. I almost feel sorry for some of my minions. I don’t know what is up with me, I’m excited about my re-enactment, my inventory looks good, my father is fine and I think I actually caught my wife flirting with me (I’m so dense I normally don’t notice). Yet I’m walking around here with a storm cloud hanging over me. I’m getting ready to tear into someone most heinously.

It’s casual Friday, so I don’t wear a shirt and tie today. I’m wearing jeans and a black T-shirt that has a skull and cross bones on my left chest. The back says, “The floggings will continue until morale improves.” I have on my black steal toed work boots (Sorry, no birthday picture for you Machelle, not that you really wanted to see that anyway). I put extra gel into my hair for extreme spikiness. I’m storming up and down the rows with a scowl and glare. People are backing away from me and trying not to make eye contact. This is an actual conversation that I had earlier:

Minion; “How is our inventory looking today”

Contagion, “Crappy”

Minion, “How many do we have to get out today to meet our monthly goals?”

Contagion, “as for 7:12 this morning, 538”

Minion, “wow, that’s a lot. I heard about your father. How is he?”

Contagion, “He died, thanks. Now get some work done.”

Minion stares back wide-eyed, “I’m so sorry...”

Contagion, “Why? Did you know him?)

Minion, “No, but I’m sorry for your loss.”

Contagion, “its okay, according to the will I’ll get 1.8 million dollars and his Green Bay Packer memorabilia. I think it’s a fair trade.”

Minion, “How can you be so cold? He was your father.”

Contagion, “You’re right. That was harsh of me. I’m going to go call him and tell him I’m sorry for saying such mean things about him.”

Minion, “You should… Hey! I thought you said he died! You shouldn’t joke about that. You had me going; my heart sank when you said he died. You are so dark! How could you joke around like that?”

Contagion, “Because I’m a cold heartless bastard, and it’s funny. Now get back to work, we have 5 items to get out to meet our goals.”
Minion, “I thought you said we needed to get out 538. You having fun with me, aren’t you?”

Contagion, “Are you having fun? I’m not having fun with you if you aren’t having fun, and you don’t look like you’re having fun. I know I’m enjoying this immensely. So much fun, that I’m thinking of doing this to someone else. Wait, maybe I shouldn’t. They might turn me into HR.”

Minion, “Okay, I’m confused…”

Contagion, “Doesn’t take much.”

Minion, “ha-ha. Why would someone turn you into HR?”

Contagion, “Some people are just sensitive that way. By the way, the real reason I came over was to tell you good job on getting out those 53 items yesterday. Excellent work, if you keep this up I may have to look into actually giving you some kind of recognition.”

Minion’s face beams as her personal god shines down praise and glory upon her, “Thanks, I think I can do better today.”

Contagion, “You’d better or I’ll send my father’s ghost to haunt you.”

Minion, “You have some major issues”

Contagion, “I know, they’re called people.”

We both laugh. That was three hours ago. I haven’t smiled since. I need to go toy with another minion now.