Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Tales from Wallyworld.

A new Super Wallyworld opened up in my town today replacing the old Wallyworld that was located right next door. I hate Wallyworld; I hate it with a passion. I will go out of my way to shop at any other store, even if it is more expensive. The only time I, shop there anymore is if I absolutely cannot find an item I’m looking for anywhere else.

Today however I decided I am going to go to the new Wallyworld on my lunch period to check it out. Why you ask? I could be lie and say, that I was curious as to what the new store was like or that I wanted to give the store another chance. No, I will not do that. I will be honest with you; I put myself into a situation of extreme discomfort for you, my loyal readers’ entertainment and mirth. I was sure that my readers would find my adventures in Wallyworld entertaining. So I hope you all enjoy the tale I’m about to tell, because I did this for you.

The first thing I noticed upon entering the parking lot was that it was packed, packed to the edge. At first I was thinking don’t these people have jobs. Then I thought maybe they where all on there lunch periods as well. The store was going to be packed. I checked my pulse and I’m still under 70 BPM (beats per minute). I make my way into the vestibule; grab a cart… so far, so good. Then it happens, I step into the store where four ravenous, cannibalistic zombies attack us. Well okay they where greeters with fliers for pictures and sale items, but they came at as like ravenous cannibalistic zombies… on speed!

The next thing I noticed was the Shrine of Star Wars merchandise they had right by the entrance. They had all the merchandise that had anything to do with Star Wars right there. Including the wall of Darth Vader Cheese-its and the Dark Chocolate M&M’s. I only had to push one pimply faced geek out of my way; I think the rest are lined up already for the movie tonight.

My initial thought of the store being filled with people on their lunch breaks was erroneous. Nope, this was mainly the welfare crowd. People had driven from all over town to see the new Wallyworld. They must have spent at least a bucks worth of gas to get here to save $.50 on a tube of toothpaste. Which to be honest was not a sale price; just what they call an everyday bargain and I bought the same brand last week at a competitor for the same price. I guess the perceived sale was enough to draw the crack junkies out of the woodwork as well. The gaunt drooling idiots wandering up and down the aisles protectively hugging their Sam’s choice bag of potato chips and cookies looking for steel wool. The fact that one of them wanted to put their stuff in my cart, “To hold it for them” almost brought me to a boiling point. I unkindly advised them that if they needed their merchandise held, I’m sure the store would be more then happy to provide them with a cart or basket of their own, FOR FREE. My heart rate was now at about 90 BPM.

I will say this for the new Wallyworld; it has much larger aisles then the old one. That was one of my major complaints about Wallyworld is that you cannot maneuver your carts through the aisles. This did not stop me from having to do some cart jousting at least twice. People where gawking at the same merchandise that the original store had, only in a different layout, and not paying attention to where they where going. I was pushing my cart down the main aisle when this lady just bursts out of the aisle in front me almost causing a cart-astrophe. I’m not saying she was strung out on crack, but she was strung out on crack. Her powdery lips cracked into a smile as she apologized. She didn’t look directly at me. However, she did a good job of following the ethereal butterflies that must have been floating around me.

Another older lady came barging out of a side aisle and rammed her cart right into me. When I say older, I mean OLDER She must have been around since Jesus was a child. She had the nerve to tell me to watch where I was going, I pointed out to her, that she bumped into me. I did not plow into her. She came back with, “Don’t you get flippant with me.” I growled at her, “Well maybe if you could see past the end of your cart, even with those coke bottle glasses on, you wouldn’t be plowing into people. There is no reason to be a witch about it. I know you’re old and alone and if I was your kid, I wouldn’t come to see you either, but don’t take it out on me.” The last I saw of her she was leaning against a display of faux Tupperware grabbing a cross to her chest and gasping for air.

While there, I decided to pick up some items we needed around the house. One item being lint traps for the washing machine. I ask one of blue vest wearing wastes of space where the lint traps are located. In a kind and courteous manner, they tell me it is with the detergent over in the grocery section. I’m not sure why in a Wallyworld they would have detergent in with groceries, but who am I to question the all-powerful Sam. So I tool my cart across the store, deftly avoiding crack junkies and the welfare dependants. I get over to the detergent, I’m not able to locate the lint traps, and I stop another blue vest and ask where they are. He tells me they are with the detergent. I pause, take a deep breath and ask, “Is this not the detergent aisle?” Thinking maybe, I had the wrong detergent aisle. He responds back with, “Oh yea, it is.” My heart is now at about 110 BPM. “Where are the lint traps at, I can’t seem to find them?” He looks around and for a second, comes back to me and says, “They aren’t here.” Heart rate is now at 135 BPM I am now at a fat burning level of heart rate for someone my age. Therefore, I ask my question again, “Where are the lint traps at then?” He half laughs and says, “They must be in plumbing”. Me, “Where is plumbing?” Brain Child in Blue Vest, “That’s on the other side of the store.” Me “I hate you.” Shocked looking Blue Vest guy, “What?” Me, “I said ‘Thank you’.” I walk off mumbling that he should have at least gotten his GED.

I make my way BACK across the store; get over to the home improvement section. I see a blue vested worker heading my way. I try to get her attention, “Ma’am, where are your lint traps.” Girl in Blue Vest, “They are with the detergent.” My heart is now at 155 BPM, the warning alarm on my watch starts going off. I am officially having a cardiovascular work out. “I was just there, no they are not, and I was sent back over here… where is your plumbing aisle?” Shocked girl in blue vest, “Ummm, it’s around here somewhere.” Me, “Never mind… I’ll find it.” I look around, find the plumbing aisle, the lint traps, and proceed to leave… I could not get out of this store fast enough.

I was thinking of stopping by the pharmacy to pick up some aspirin for the headache I had developed. As I approached the pharmacy section I could see that the crack junkies where being pushed out by the crystal meth fiends trying to get the cough syrup and aspirin for themselves. I just decided to cut my loses and leave. I get to the check out lanes, leave with out another event and make my way to the parking lot. In the time I was in the store, about 30 minutes, the lot was over run not only with more cars, but with carts abandoned everywhere. Even the carts properly pushed into the cart corrals had lines of carts extending into the lanes blocking traffic.

So if you ever plan on going to a Super Wallyworld on an opening day, remember this story. I did this as a precautionary tale for you, my readers, because I care about you… and the only reason you come around is to be entertained.