Friday, May 13, 2005

Tales of Intoxication.

Army Wife Toddler Mom wanted to do an about me post, so she asked people for questions. I was nice enough to ask her:
“What is the most embarrassing thing you've done while drinking? Details
please, if it involves another woman we want pictures.”

She kind of answers it in this post. Plus, she didn’t have any pictures. To be a good sport I decided to share one of my drinking stories BEFORE Grau decides to post on it. I swear when he runs out of ideas on things to post, he just pops up a “Contagion” story. This story happens to take place in a Strip Club. I know how much Army Wife likes to keep pointing out my stripper fascination this week so this should really make her happy.

Before I go any further, it is important to note that I was completely and utterly single at the time of this situation. That means not only was I not married, I was also not dating nor had any prospects at the time. Therefore, I was a completely free man, couple that with not being Catholic I was free to do whatever I wanted guilt free.

It was July in 1996 I went out with some friends to a local strip club (Names with held to protect the innocent. Rules of strip etiquette state that you cannot divulge information on other participants for activities that happen in a strip club. I am only divulging information pertaining to myself. Therefore, I am not in violation. However, I am still refusing to add other names to this list). This particular club was full nude. We had been out drinking in advance and I had drunk quite a bit. When we arrived at the club we discovered they where having a headliner that night. That meant the place was busier then usual.

We paid the cover and found a table and started watching the girls and having a good time. The headliner took to the stage to begin her set. She was a pretty girl and went by the name Echo Canyon. Silicon Valley would have been more appropriate. She was very athletic on the stage so I decided to go up and tip her. I walk up to the stage; I have my money in my hand leaning on the edge of the stage that goes up to my chest. She looks at me and pulls me up onto the stage. SCORE! She takes my belt off and starts to hit me with it. DOUBLE SCORE! Whispering in my ear, she asks me, “I’m not hurting you too much am I?” I responded with, “You can do what ever you want.” She cocked an eyebrow and in a sultry voice responds with, “oh, really?”

The next thing I know she has put my belt around my neck like a leash. She hollers at me to get on my hands and knees. I’m having fun and am socially lubricated, so I do as I’m told. As she climbs onto my back she yells, “I’m going to ride you like a dog!” and proceeds to ride me around the stage. TRIPLE SCORE! She tells me to bark like a dog. So I do a little “woof woof”. She smacks me with the belt and tells me to bark like a big dog. I give the biggest, deepest, loudest bark I could muster. The audience is howling. There is money flying at the stage. She finishes her stunt and double checks if I’m okay. I told her I was fine and it was fun. She came back to our table with me and bought ME a drink while my friends and I talked with her.

Later that evening she is up on stage doing another set. I walked up to give her another tip. This time when she sees me, she reaches down into the back of my pants and starts tugging on my boxers. I swear to at first I thought I pissed her off and she was going to give me a wedgie! Nope, this woman has decided I needed no underwear. She yanks on them until she tears them off of my body. She puts the elastic band around her neck and finishes her set with them on. Yes they where clean, they where also new I had just bought them that week. I did not buy a drink for myself the rest of the night. I had guys from other tables buy me drinks. I would go to the bathroom and inevitably, some guy would see me in there and would tell me how great that was and offer to buy me a drink.

Sad thing about that night was that I turned out to be a fluffer. Some of us went to breakfast with her after the bar closed at Denny’s. I’ve never heard of this happening to anyone else, the headliner actually went home with another guy from my table. Strike out!

I was not dating my wife at that time, but she has heard the story, apparently, I’m the only person that follows strip club etiquette. She has asked me to bark for her and I haven’t. I have barked only a couple of other times in my life since then, both were before we were dating. My being ridden like a dog and barking days are long past. What’s funny is how many times this story gets brought up when I’m out with the guys.

So there you go, a first hand embarrassing drunk story. If anyone else wants to share, be my guest. Just don’t feel you have to.