Friday, May 27, 2005

Lunch with the minions

Some of my minions decided they wanted to go to lunch with me today. They felt that we should all go to a local buffet. I don’t mind a buffet, but there are so many places I would rather eat. I wasn’t going to be picky about it, so I said it was fine. Bad things always happen to me at a buffet. At first, they wanted me to drive. They changed their minds when they saw that my truck was loaded for re-enacting. They felt traveling around town in a vehicle chuck full of explodey (It’s a word now dammit!) goodness was not the most intelligent idea. Big T volunteered to drive. Five of us crammed into her Pontiac Grand Am and off we went.

Big T is not the best driver in the world. Her car is falling apart, not from poor craftsmanship, but because she constantly runs into stationary objects. She also has this problem of driving fast and not paying attention to the road. This makes for a lot of quick stops and violent lane corrections. It’s rather scary. After almost hitting three vehicles in about 1.5 miles, we get to the restaurant, where she proceeds to crash into the parking stall. I’m not kidding; she entered the stall with enough speed she could not stop before hitting the curb. The vehicle jumped up and almost took out a small tree. It was rather mortifying experience.

Upon entering the restaurant, we discovered it is rather busy. Fortunately, the line moved rapidly. I decided to start with a salad. I proceed to the salad bar and make myself a spinach salad with eggs, onions, black olives, onions, bacon, cheese, sunflower seeds and bleu cheese dressing. For the main course, I decided to get some kielbasa and sauerkraut, green beans with onions, bacon and almonds. It was very good, but I have started eating things that bring on gastro intestinal delights. I was still hungry so I went back and picked up some baked white fish, Salisbury steak and coleslaw.

One more ingredient and I will finish the trifecta of fun. The eggs and bleu cheese from the salad, the kielbasa, sauerkraut, and the coleslaw makes up the gaseous emanations portion of the trifecta. The baked white fish will make me nauseated. I’m mildly allergic to seafood. I bet you are asking yourself, “Why did he eat it then?” I’ll tell you why, I like it! It’s not a major allergy. It just gives me some gas, stomach cramps and nausea.

Then it happened, the final ingredient arrives at the table. It was brought over by none other than my loving wife, not for me, but for herself. I’m sure you are wondering what this final ingredient is. What could turn this seemingly innocent meal into a gastro intestinal bio-chemical agent of mass destruction? Chocolate, chocolate is what did it. My wife had a piece of chocolate cake with chocolate frosting. With out thinking, I took my finger and dragged it through the frosting. I then licked the chocolate off my finger. My poor wife looked on in shock and terror as she realized what had just traversed. There are two things on the face of the planet that aggravate my ulcers more then anything else. One is tequila, the other is chocolate. Even the tiniest amounts of either substance will turn my gut into a painful roiling cauldron of acid.

Think of this as cooking. Take Kielbasa, sauerkraut, coleslaw, hard-boiled eggs and bleu cheese dressing. Mix with stabilizing agent such as red meat and spinach for fermentation. Using a cramping motion in the stomach brought on by allergy to seafood expedite fermentation process. Add vast quantities of stomach acid to dissolve the components. Wait. With in 5 minutes you will have gaseous emanations of heroic proportions.

My wife is trying to warn the other three with us about what fate is about to befall them. They are not taking her serious, but then it happened. A sound came rumbling out from my gut. A sound reminiscent of a monster from a horror film. It was decided we needed to leave. I had not made it three steps out of the door when a belch flew forth from my mouth with enough sound to echo three times off the buildings around us. My lips moved in a gesture worthy of Barney Gumble. This was the pressure release from the gas build up. It wasn’t quite done yet. The worst was about to come.

We jump into Big T’s car and she drives off like a bat out of hell. She almost hit a van that was trying to turn into the parking lot. We were weaving all over the road as she tried to get back to the office as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, all the movement only aggravated my stomach. I released a belch most foul. It was mightier then the first one in force and it had stench. A kind of stench that can only be described as compost heap with rotting flesh and moldy food. I swear my wife about passed out in the car. Eyes were watering as they tried rolling down the windows. The belch was mightier then the wind. The stench clung to the interior of the car.

Upon reaching the office, I was quickly ushered out of the vehicle. Entering the building, I started to feel the other side effects starting to build. It shall be an interesting night tonight.