How to make friends.

I have an interesting dilemma here at work. One I’ve never faced before. I have two minions fighting over who is my new best friend. I told them about my leaving Clan Chattan. They knew that most of my friends were members. Therefore, in their logical world, since I left the group, all my friends are going to ostracize me. This brought on the fight over who is my new best friend.

I have hung out with J and T during lunch and on the occasional weekend. They are good guys and are the perfect whipping boys for my sense of humor. I’m constantly giving them a hard time and joking around with them. This is what brought us to the fight. J asked me what I was going to do after loosing all of my friends. I told him that him and T where the only friends I have left, my best friend and runner up. J turns to T and says, “T, you’re his best friend.” T returns with, “I am not, you are!”

This became so heated they actually held a competition; the loser was my new best friend. They ended up drawing straws, J lost. He’s been whining about it all day. Saying things like, “I don’t want to be the best friend, he’s going to make me go do one of his re-enactments.” “Does this mean I have to start dressing funny and stop taking a bath on the weekend?” “Are you going to make me wear a dress?” “I think I’m allergic to sheep!”

This came to a head at lunch today. There where two guys in the restaurant that had guns in hip holsters and badges around their necks. We were debating on whether or not they are cops. T thought that since they had badges, they were cops. I didn’t get a good look at the badges, but they kind of looked like private security badges. We went back and forth on this for a couple of minutes, when J had a bright idea. He suggested that T and himself get into a fight, if the guys break it up, then they are cops. I pointed out the flaw in their plan is that if they got into a fight, I’d break it up and I’m not a cop.

J spouts off with, “They would try to break it up by separating us, and you’d beat the both of us into submission. You don’t care about the fight, it’s just a handy excuse for you to punch us and get away with it. You’d probably do more harm that is physical to us by ‘breaking up’ the fight then we’d do to each other fighting. And I’d probably get it worse since I’m the best friend! T, I’m going to kill you, and then I won’t be the best friend.”

T shot back with, “If you kill me, then you doom yourself to be the best friend forever. Killing the runner up does not move you down a slot.”

J to T, “I hate you! Especially when you’re correct.” They both turn and look at me.

J to me, “How about TS? Where is she in this list.”

Me, “She doesn’t count, she’s a girl.” (Ktreva proceeds to hit me)

Ktreva, “That’s right, he can’t have female friends. They aren’t good enough for this chauvinist pig.”

J “Crap! That means I’m stuck”

Me, “You know, I’m starting to feel so unwanted here.”

We all had a laugh and left the restaurant; as soon as we were outside, I was going to trip the both of them at the curb. However, the parking lot was somewhat busy and I didn’t want them to be run over. I needed them to continue doing their work once we got back… Therefore, I bumped up their quotas and gave them mandatory overtime on Saturday.