Friday, April 29, 2005

Someone made a huge mistake!

I think my job is trying to get me to quit. This morning my manager pulled me aside and started going over various personal goals they would like me to attain. At first, everything was okay, but then they dropped a bombshell on me. They… They want… (Gulp) They want me to be a mentor. (Waiting for the gasping to stop) I KNOW! I couldn’t believe it either. They want me to take classes on how to do various management duties and tasks, make a synopsis for mentoring and start implementing it by the beginning of July.

My becoming a mentor is like Michael Jackson running a day care center; it’s just not a good idea! See, first you have to like people to be a mentor. I have not a met a person in the last 5 years I liked. (Go ahead; re-read that last sentence, it is correct) I usually meet someone and work my way up to tolerate. Once I get past tolerate I start to get into the “I don’t hate them” phase. This usually consists of doing things in a social setting with them to see if they are as exasperating as I think they are. This phase may take years. I have a person from work I hang out with that counts me as there friend. I hate to inform them I’m still trying to decide if I want to lobotomize them with a yellow highlighter. Many people describe me as being “Mean and Hateful” (actual quote), I personally see myself as being antagonistic. If someone gets past that phase, I will then decide either that “yes, I loathe the reprehensible waste of protein” or “No, this is not a bad person”.

Does this sound like someone you want as a mentor? That and at the last conference I went to I was asked, “Oh Dark Overlord, how do you motivate your staff to work so hard?” (Yes, I make them refer to me as their Dark Overlord), I explained in all seriousness that it’s a mix between fear and intimidation. I don’t sugar coat bad news and when I have something nice to say, they really deserved the praise. They thought I was joking. I’ve been sent to sensitivity class twice and I can’t count on fingers and toes how many times I’ve had someone breakdown and cry because of me. I don’t pull punches, if someone is an indolent, incompetent troglodyte, I tell them. With what my position is, I don’t have time to be “nicey nice”, that is what their supervisor’s job is.

So here I am being told this, I actually felt each word like a blow to my gut. They want me to not only be a mentor, but there is talk of having people actually report directly to me. If that wasn’t enough, they also want to start grooming me for a supervisory position where not only will I have people reporting directly to me, but there maybe a lot of them! Okay, that’s not bad; I thought I had a couple of years to get ready for that transition… I guess not. As I was mentally picking myself up off the floor I get blind sided with this phrase, “Oh, and we want you to take the lead for the new Training committee to determine the new guidelines and protocols for training Customer Service Representatives.(CSRs)” I swear to god I about blacked out. It took all I had to not burst out, “Are you forking insane?”

I reeled from the overload of wretched information that washed over me like the putrid juices of a bloated body that is pulled from a stagnant pond. At this point, I was sure they either A) made a mistake or B) where playing a practical joke on me. I started to laugh it off, and then noticed my manager did not share in my joviality. No, she was serious and she had the right person. She even showed me the paperwork. I was mentally paralyzed, I couldn’t think straight and I did the inconceivable. I asked, “You do realize with whom you are speaking to, right?” She did not find that amusing, and told me I should be honored. I wanted to tell her that it sounds like my personal hell, but I didn’t. Now in the next couple of months I will be taking over this committee and going over the training guidelines for Customer Service Representatives across the company. Just typing that has made my fingers go numb.

I can’t turn it down, or I will kill off all promotability in myself, even if it is in a direction I don’t want to go. It’s not that I don’t think I’ll do a good job at it, but I don’t think I’ll enjoy it. I’ve contemplated every possible way to escape from this quagmire, unfortunately there isn’t a way that I can find that wont jeopardize my career. So at this point, I guess I’m stuck.

I guess the first class I need to take is on how to be more personable… (Shudder)